When your life's doing pretty ok and you aren't expecting anything drastic to happen anytime soon, it decides to throw you a curve ball ... right smack in your face, rendering you shocked and helpless.
How do you move on from something so hurtful? How do you recover from such deceit? How do you forgive and forget? How do you pretend that it didn't happen? How do you face the world? How do you keep on moving? How do you mend a broken heart? So many hows ... but none of the answers!
How do you tell people ... that your life has now changed ... that your reality is now so much more different than what you imagined. What do you expect your future to be ... from now on? What does everyone expect you to do ... ?
I don't know what the future holds but I am forever changed! I cannot pretend it did not happen. Nor was it the first time that it's become an issue. Is history constantly repeating itself? Is it on playback mode? Or is life just playing a cruel joke on me? The probability of it recurring is so damn high that its sometimes feel like a prank on me ... just to test my reactions. But alas ... it is not a joke ... and I'm not laughing now!
One thing for sure ... out of this episode I am humbly reminded that trust is a fragile thing. You give it to someone for safekeeping but always expect it to come back in smithereens. Trust is always earned but once shattered ... even if its recovered ... at best its a smidgen of what it once was before. Trust is a peculiar thing ... its intangible but so important in any relationship. Fool me once ... I'm the fool, fool me twice ... I'm the fool no more!
Never give trust to someone that doesn't deserve it. For if they've hurt you once ... you can be damn sure they will find a way to hurt you again. Its human nature to hurt ... but it takes a lot to be kind, faithful & honourable. Being respectful and mindful is unfortunately not high on the list for some people. Doing something not really evil ... is not so wrong ... unless of course ... until you get caught. If its not wrong ... why be secretive and shadowy? Why does one need to deny deny deny?! Dare to do it ... then dare to admit it.
But then again some people have no sense of shame nor any qualms about admitting the crime if they are unlucky to be caught. Act nonchalant enough and people might think that its no big deal. That its ok ... as long as you apologise and say you are sorry! A fu**ing sorry doesn't cut it any more. When the deed is being done ... was there ever a thought "Oh no this wrong in so many ways. If she finds out it will hurt her so much?" Did it ever occur to that bl**dy sh*thead that its hurtful! I guess not!
Where is one's moral compass? It seems some have none or choose to ignore the signs that the compass is displaying ... this is NOT a direction you should take. I'm the world's lousiest navigator and I'm not good in physical directions but my morals are in place and I would never hurt the people I love the same way. Maybe I'm cut from a different cloth, maybe my expectations are damn high but is it so wrong ... to ask not be lied to, not be hurt, not to be broken. Is it so wrong to expect loyalty and compassion? I guess it bl**dy is!!!
Life has to go on, for my son's sake ..... but at what cost?!
Only God has the answers .....
